Yesterday

This came across my thoughts as I am listening to Yesterday by The Beatles while typing this post. 

Yesterday.

Now came to think of it, I am reminded of those past days. Just like the lyrics said I am constantly wondering why he had to go. 

The truth is, I think I have been drowning in an abyss since the end of last year. Everything seemed to be shattered and now I am picking up the pieces of myself. One by one. With my fingers still bleeding. 

It's not finished yet. Not even close to gather all the broken pieces inside the palm of my hands. 

But well, I'm not taking any steps back to yesterday.

But it's just painfully relieving to look back and reminisce the good ol' days.

Friendship: Overstepping Boundaries

photo by: derrickharvin

Boundaries are there for a reason. And yes, this time I'd like to share about boundaries, especially overstepping boundaries. And yes, this post is personal, based on my own experience.

The Glass Mask

picture taken from here

It's hard to wake up.

It feels like I don't want to.

Dreams are seemed to be my only utopia.

It's hard to live in real world cause we all have to put on a mask every single day.

Everyone put on different mask. And I got the glass one.

The glass mask.

So fine, even beautiful.

Yet so fragile and breakable.

Some people can see right through the heart of mine.

But some can't. They're blinded by the lights.

And I walk with my eyes closed, wearing the glass mask.

On Turning 24

Another year, another birthday.

Like previous year, I decided to celebrate my birthday somewhere far from where I live.

Why? Because I want to feel something different. I want to celebrate with myself. I want to know how does it feel to be alone (though I'm not technically alone) on my birthday. I was born alone and I just want to be accustomed with that.

To be honest, this year is kinda exhausting for me. It was like... Having someone threw a balloon full of water and splash! It blows up on your face.

It was shocking, but hey I can see clearer after that.

It was more like a trade-off. I trade something for another things. I have to let go something in exchange of more things. And so far, even though it was shocking and well, hurts like hell. I can loudly say "IT WAS WORTH THE PAIN."

24.

I love the number. It's like 24 hours in a day.
And I'm gonna be okay better.

See you next year.

Thoughts & Ramblings: On Monogamy and Polyamory

Hi Hi!!
It's been long since I posted about my personal life here. Well, talking about personal life might be a BIG NO NO for some people, but for me, I do believe that it's actually good for yourself.

So Lately..

hurt
betrayed
cheated
waste
left
suffocating
lonely
forgotten
invisible
never enough
pain

Pour It All: Never a Priority, Always a Second-Best

Oh you.

I blame you for my over-sensitivity.

But come to think of it, you bring me some things which I always suppress. Things I'm running away from.

Let's talk about what's on my mind this time.

I grew up as someone who is considered to be never enough for others.

I grew up trying to reach up to others' expectation.

I never be enough for them. There will always be someone better than me. Someone they're always be proud of. Someone they always love the most. And someone they will cherish for the rest of their life.

But it will never be me.

It might be that I'm just an option. Or a substitute. Even worse; a distraction.

But to me, they're everything. 

Well, life has its own way to be extra bitchy to me. But, can I complain?

Funny when I always try to be someone better, but reality is; I will never be a priority. For my beloved ones.

And anyway, if you read this post, try not to feel that I'm talking about you. I'm talking about myself. This is self-improvement; my own way.

Hello 2014: Should I Be Happy For You?

Out of the blue, I suddenly feel the urge of making a post about the so-called new year. Since everyone around me is busy celebrating and making such a long wish list and resolutions, I guess it affects me too.

Talking about new year. I remember, last year, I spent a whole New Year's Eve with one of my best friends. Who knows that now we're strangers? Not joking here, suddenly she just disappeared into the thin air. Don't want to talk much about this. But, she left me with many disappointments. 

And I am writing this after going out with my old pals in college, simply dined together and watched the fireworks near our place. It's simple, but nice. It's nice to reconnect with them, even one of them asked me "when was the last time you laugh?" It stabbed me right in place. Well, I live a fairly good life nowadays. I have a job, building stairs for my career as blogger, and made my parents proud. 

Updates about Me

Finally I'm lying on my bed right now, typing on this world of mine. So, what's happening in my life now?

First thing first, I'm officially working now. I am so grateful to finally found a job, hehe, at least I won't have to be fully-dependent to my parents anymore. Just so you know, my job description is closely related to my beauty blogging world, so it's indeed very exciting for me!

Second, I am working in a full English atmosphere, since I have to work with Japanese (whom, thank God is very fluent in English), I can improve my English proficiency, especially in speaking. After all, this blog is also one of my efforts to improve my English, written. Just so you know, I am very fond of foreign language, and this interest also has something to do with my own brain. I took a psychological test when I was in my senior year of high school and it turns out that I scored perfect in verbal skill. Hihi, that also encourages me to learn other language, grammatically correct. Let's learn other language(s)! Any recommendation, darlings?

Third, I was always bad in time management, and now that I have to perform multi tasks, I find it harder to fix my time management. Ugh... I really have to work hard to work on my schedule........... I want to save more for the future, which closely related to the fourth point about me.

Fourth, I am also a person with high money anxiety level. I knew this because I also took a small test during my college time in Organizational Behavior class. I scored the highest one at that time. T____T Indeed, I am really, really care about money that much. No, it's not materialism nor I'm a gold-digger. In fact, it's more about feeling anxious about the state of my own wellness measured by money. For example, I always think that I have LESS, though actually I have ENOUGH, or sometimes, MORE. I always feel that I should save more, that I should be so hard on myself in terms of money. Now that I have to finance myself, that disorder get worse I guess. I know this characteristic has two sides; good and bad. Good thing is that I can save more money for the future and also live in a very simple life. But the bad thing is, this is actually killing me. Being always anxious and terrified is not good at all. Everytime I purchased anything, I will always ended up feeling guilty though I don't spend that much (by that much I mean not more than $10, for real!).

Well, I think that's enough for my ramblings. Writing my own problems really helps since lately (and honestly), I don't have anyone to talk to. I mean, like real friends. After the college graduation, all my friends are all gone, whether to continue their study or work just like me. School friends? Well, I grew up in Palembang, not Jakarta, so.. Skip them. Thankfully, I found some new friends; beauty bloggers! Though we don't meet like, everyday, almost every weekend (or even sometimes weekdays) I will meet them and taaaaaaaaaalk (actually it's more suitable to be called as gossiping) a lot. I'm just feeling so lucky to have a chance to join Indonesian Beauty Blogger community ^_^

Talking about beauty blogging blogsphere, I also want to share with you my experience of attending a small event held by Estee Lauder Indonesia which had Joyce Lee; their international Make Up Artist from Malaysia to come here in Jakarta. Well, let's see how it was!

before 

Erfan; Estee Lauder Indonesia and MC

It's all started with cleansing using some kind of cleansing milk then continued with toner. After following some classes and workshops, I learn that the best way to use toner is with cotton, hehe. And don't forget to dab it first so that the formula will enter your skin and work for a while, then swipe!

cleansing and application of skin care

After that, she explained how to choose the right foundation shade using Estee Lauder technique (shown in the picture below).

how to find the right foundation

The look that day was smokey look. I like how Joyce gave us A LOT of makeup tricks, like how to create a 5-minute smokey eyes using only eyeliner and concealer and many more.

makeup!

finished!

with Joyce Lee

smokey look

After the event's over, I went to a restaurant to have early supper with other fellow bloggers then headed to Japan Jak Matsuri in Monas with Vellisa and Nadya. The festival was so-so. Though the crowd control was so much better than Ennichisai that I attended previously. I rarely attend festival, especially Japanese ones, LOL.

Nadya and Vellisa

I just took some silly pictures at Japan Airlines' booth with Nadya. The concept is to have the illusion of flying on clouds in the sky hahaha.

flying effect - Nadya

silly flying pose 

the crowd

After walking around for a little while, we stopped at some food stalls and sit around on the bush. We had this kakigori a.k.a. snow ice.

kakigori

Till then, bye bye! Hope I can post more about my personal life and everything aside from beauty so that you won't be bored!

Thoughts and Ramblings

Hello, it has been long since I post about things which are not beauty-related. I miss writing of my random thoughts and I will do it again after being 'hidden' all these years.

WARNING: unlike any other beauty posts, this post will contain much more words than pictures. 

So, I've been a very-closed person back then. Used to be so open, so cheerful like during senior high until junior year in college. But snap! Something happened. Not necessarily something which broke me down, no. It's just another punch in the face which finally knocked me down because I ran out of energy. I was never the same after that. I started to build my own walls in order to protect myself from being hurt.

And I remember what my friend; Jenni said. Well, just like any other animal with hard shell, they are so fragile inside. And so are people. And so is me. I was really, really terrified by the idea of opening up to others. Because open up means letting others know your weaknesses and fears. And I couldn't bear the pain for the second time. Once was more than enough to brought me down.

And no, I'm not talking about person. I'm talking about myself and the idea of being hurt. 

I was so lost and I was looking for myself. I want to find myself.

Yes, more than 20 years of breathing and I haven't find myself yet.

I want to find myself and I want to find what I have to do with my life.

I did crazy, silly, even dangerous things just to find myself. I have to say I was lucky not to fall to the dark side of the world. I knew how to stop. That's what I am proud of myself.

One of the crazy things I've done is traveling alone. Not so crazy, eh? But at least it's crazy for the people surround me. When they knew that I traveled alone, or going to travel alone they said like "Are you crazy?" or "You could ended up being raped" and so many horrible things and prophecies follow..

But I'm not, and I found a piece of myself there. In traveling. In having my own solo journey. Meeting strangers I never thought I could met. Sleeping in someone else's house through internet. Or even having a deep talk about life and beliefs with strangers. I am blessed.

Life's much better after that. And now, I find myself a lot of better than before. It's like finally coming out a very dark, long cave after years of isolation. I find a light, so bright that I could see properly. But though I squint, I slowly open my eyes and I can see a bit of world now. I will continue to open my eyes until I can see it all clearly.

And yes, I'll write about this kind of things regularly. Thoughts and feelings.

Till then, bye.